Rock Star Romance

Ray was sparkin’ Juliet, but she was a college student who couldn’t come home very often and he was a ranch cowboy who only had Sunday afternoons off—if even then! They hadn’t seen each other since the County Fair dance, so a month ago Ray had set up a date for THIS Sunday, riding the ranch. Juliet, of course, had said “yes”.
And then Ray had found out about the Sheriff’s Posse Team Roping Finals. It was scheduled for this Sunday too—and Ray was in the lead for the saddle! But he calmly reasoned, “I’ve got my whole life to win a saddle—but I’ve only got Sunday to romance Juliet!” He’d miss the team roping, ‘cuz he knew she was “the one”.
So Sunday morning, his boss and the rest of the ranch cowboys loaded up and headed to town to rope. With sadness tugging at his heartstrings, Ray saddled up while repeating to himself, “I can ALWAYS win another saddle, I can ALWAYS win another saddle . . .” And then Juliet arrived. She was sooooo beautiful! Every time he saw her, she took his breath away! He passionately kissed her, and she kissed him back! It was then that Ray knew he’d made the right decision.
On an absolutely perfect day, Ray and Juliet rode the Homestead pasture, up through tree lined breaks, across tall-grass meadows dissected by bubbling creeks, and stopping at the homestead to eat Juliet’s picnic lunch. While there, Juliet noted the red sandstone cliffs to the north. Ray told her there was an old Indian cliff dwelling up there.
“Can we go?” Juliet asked sweetly.
“Why not!” Ray wouldn’t turn down any request from Juliet at this point.
At the base of the trail up the cliff, they dismounted and proceeded on foot. The way was steep and rocky, and Ray’s knee-high Olathe cowboy boots with under slung riding heels and Mexican rowled spurs were not exactly rock climbing gear. But Juliet was excited, so he took her hand and upward they struggled. Just before reaching the cave dwelling ledge, Ray’s boot slipped and he felt himself in an uncontrollable slide.
“Let go of my hand!” he yelled as he passed Juliet. She did, and then screamed as he disappeared over a ledge!
“Ray—RAY!” Juliet screamed in a shrill voice. “Are you alright?”
From somewhere down below came, “Yeah, I-I’m alright.”
“Where are you?” Juliet queried.
“On a ledge down here . . . my foot’s stuck!” Ray sounded perturbed.
“I’ll come down and help you!” Juliet exclaimed.
“NO!” Ray barked immediately. “Juliet—whatever you do—DON’T COME DOWN HERE!”
“But Ray, I can help you get your foot free—you’re not HURT are you?” she felt panic coming on.
“Juliet—just stay up there. My foot’s stuck, alright . . . but . . . “
“But what, Ray?”
“But my pants are torn too. Worse than real bad, like torn . . . off.” Ray’s answer tapered off to a whisper.
“Oh” Juliet’s voice turned into a giggle, “well—maybe I NEED to look!”
“JULIET—please—don’t look.” Then, almost whispering again Ray said, “I’m not wearin’ any underwear.”
“WHAT!” Juliet exclaimed and immediately peered over the ledge.
A trickle of stones fell on Ray’s cowboy hat, and he knew Juliet was looking down at him. He looked up and she was checking out his—his—equipment!
“JULIET” Ray screamed in astonishment, “I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK!”
“It’s ok, Ray . . . I’m not disappointed!” she giggled.
If not for the circumstance, Ray might have found that reply exciting. But right now . . .
“Juliet, if you could just stop laughing for a minute . . .”
Juliet clamped her hand over her mouth and tried to keep a straight face . . . but she just couldn’t stop looking at his . . . his . . . well, they called them “gonads” in Biology class!
“I’m gonna’ need some help to free my foot—do you think you could go get someone?” She was afraid she’d start laughing again, so she just nodded . . . and down the hill she disappeared.
While Juliet was gone, Ray tried to no avail to reconstruct his torn-off Wranglers, and cussed himself for not having any clean underwear on such an important day. But he still thought his decision “to wear no drawers instead of wearing stinky ones” was the right one. After all, who could have predicted this would happen?
“I’m baack” it was Juliet’s sweet voice, “and I brought HELP!”
Ray peered over the ledge and was horrified when he saw his boss and the ranch cowboys, along with Juliet’s dad and the entire Sheriff’s Possee team ropin’ crew a-settin’ horseback below. “JULIET!” he screeched, “Couldn’t you have brought JUST ONE GUY?”
“Well, daddy was at the team roping, and when the guys heard what had happened—they ALL wanted to help!” Juliet was quite proud of herself. Ray plopped down, pulled his hat over his face, and groaned.
Not to worry . . . everybody came out of this caper happy. Well, except maybe the EMT that cut Ray’s boot off, and, of course . . . Ray.
Juliet’s dad was ecstatic, because he had won the saddle that day. Juliet was happy because she married Ray the following summer. And the Sheriff’s Posse team ropin’ gang was happy because they all had a story to tell their grandchildren . . . and a new name for Ray.
You see, from that day on, Ray was forever called “Gonad the Barbarian” by the boys. And that EMT that cut off and ruined Ray’s boot? Why, they all called her “Buffy’s Cowboy Boot Slayer” from then on.
And of course, Ray and Juliet ended up living right there, happily ever after!

. . . and now a reader’s e-mail . . .

Dear Dewhicky,
If you get good enough at rock climbing, will you become a “Rock Star”?
Stoney, from Peak, Washington


Dear Stoned Peak,
Naw. Good rock climbers will never become “Rock Stars”, any more than Chess champions will become “Most Valuable Players”, or a portrait painter will become country music’s “Male Artist of the Year”! While the titles sound related, they’re really not. NASCAR’s “Driver of the Year” is NOT the fastest guy at pounding in T posts, the PRCA’s “All-Around Cowboy” is NOT the waddie with the biggest waist size, any more than “The Leader of the Free World” is the guy who hands out them Thrifty Nickle’s–you know, the free newspapers with all’a them want ads in ‘em? Get it? Got it? Good!
C-Ya, Dewhicky

. . . and now, some QUESTIONS FOR THE UNIVERSE TO PONDER . . .

***Can true love ever get a false start?

***Did MacIntosh meet IBM on a computer dating site?

***If you break up with your girlfriend just before Valentine’s Day, should you still send her a broken heart?

***Is a lady in a rowboat with a man, always enjoying row-man . . . ce?

***Does a muley (horn-less) cow ever feel horney?

And speaking of romance . . .

***If you watched David Letterman 5 nights in a row . . . would he become David Wordman?

***With the downfall of Tiger Wood’s spotless reputation due to the discovery of multiple affairs with women . . . shouldn’t he change his first name to “Cheetah”?

And how about just some random . . .

***Can the Dallas Cowboys really feel good about beating a bunch of SAINTS?

***Do ALL horses step on frogs?

***Why don’t basketball players ever THROW a free-throw?

And finally . . .

***Do you think aliens believe in Roswell?